Your Personal Algorithm: The Power of Attention

I've been thinking about algorithms and how they relate to our personal lives. You know - how the stuff you don't even like keeps popping up in your life even though you never asked for it?

Look at social media for example: You pause on something. You read the comments. You argue with it. You hate-watch it. You share it just to make a point, and the algorithm goes: "Ah, they're into this. Let's show them more."

So it does.

And then we go, "See! I knew it. This is everywhere!"

And suddenly we're drowning in it.

The weird part is that attention doesn't even care if you like something or hate it. Attention is just attention. If you keep clicking, watching, arguing, resisting, getting worked up about something, or demonstrating against it, you're still feeding the algorithm.

Our minds work in pretty much the same way.

The algorithm of the mind: Power of Attention

Your Mind Has an Algorithm Too

Whatever you consistently pay attention to over time starts showing up more in your experience. Not because you're magically creating everything around you (or are you?) — but because your mind starts filtering the world through whatever you keep focusing on.

You believe you need a new car? You start noticing more new cars. You think the cost of living is rocketing? You find evidence for it everywhere. You pick up on things that confirm your story. You become more attuned to it. And before you know it, that feels like your reality.

It's not necessarily that there are suddenly more new cars, or higher prices. You're just seeing more of it. And because you're seeing more of it, it becomes more convincing — which means you give it even more attention. And so the cycle continues.

There's a line I come back to again and again:

"You cannot think about what you don't want to think about without thinking about it."

That's the trap. The moment you set out not to think about something, you're already thinking about it. Try it — don't think about a pink elephant. Go on. Don't think about it. What happened? Exactly.

Resistance is still attention. So the way out was never really "stop thinking about it." The more useful question is: what do I think about in its place?

What Do You Want Instead?

If you don't like what you're seeing, maybe the question isn't:

"How do I get this out of my life?"

Maybe it's:

"What do I actually want instead?"

And then start giving that your attention.

This is where it gets interesting, because we often know exactly what we don't want. I don't want this kind of relationship. I don't want my team behaving like this. I don't want to be so stressed. I don't want my partner to take me for granted. I don't want to be overlooked. I don't want people speaking to me like that. It's usually something you have going on right now that you realise you don't want.

I don't want things to keep going this way.

But how much time do we spend getting really clear about what we do want? And I'm not talking about vague, wishful thinking. I'm talking about giving it your attention, fully.

Picture it. Explore it. Read about it. Talk about it. Research it. Share your perspective. Argue over it if you like. Imagine what it would feel like. What would other people be saying? What would you be saying? What would you be thinking? How would you behave? How would you respond when things didn't go your way? What would the room feel like? What would you notice?

Bring it into your mind — full colour, full volume.

The more you explore something, the more attention you give it, the more familiar it becomes.

And the more familiar it becomes, the more readily you notice opportunities, possibilities and evidence that support it. Just like a good algorithm, you start seeing more of it.

You Don't Need To Find The Engineers

If you want to change the algorithm on social media, you don't need to track down the engineers and ask them to stop showing you stuff you don't like. You just change what you click on. What you linger on. What you feed. What you pay attention to.

Back to you: your mind has been learning its own algorithm and refining itself for years. It's picked up patterns. It's formed assumptions and biases. It's learned what to look for and what to filter out. It's learned what feels familiar. And it can become remarkably good at finding evidence for what you already believe.

But you still get a say in what you feed it.

What you give attention to grows.

There’s an old Cherokee story about a grandfather talking to his grandson about the battle that takes place inside each of us.

“There are two wolves,” he tells him. “One is fed by fear, anger, resentment, jealousy and judgment. The other is fed by love, compassion, courage, gratitude and curiosity. They are constantly fighting.”

The boy thinks about this for a while and asks, “Which one wins?”

The old man replies, “Whichever one you feed.”

That's it. That's the whole thing. Simple, but it doesn't leave you.

So maybe ask yourself:

Where am I feeding what I don’t actually want?

What am I repeatedly giving my attention to that I actually want less of?

And then ask:

What do I want instead?

Not how do I make myself think differently? But simply: what would I rather give my attention to?

Because becoming clear about what you want more of can help you notice where your attention is currently going - and, in that noticing, create the possibility of choosing differently.

And this isn’t just about what happens in your thinking.

If your thinking shows up in how you live.

How you lead.

How you speak and how you listen.

How you respond.

How you relate.

It's where life gets really interesting.

It Works Everywhere — not just online

You can apply this same logic to almost any area of your life - personal and professional.

In Leadership

Imagine a leader who is constantly focused on what their team isn't getting right. They're not collaborating. They're not communicating. They're making mistakes. They're delivering late. They're not taking enough ownership. They're not thinking strategically. They're not doing things the way they should.

So the leader talks about those things. Corrects those things. Points out those things. Watches for those things. Lies awake thinking about those things. Every word uttered points to those things - in a negative way.

And then, of course, more of those things start to appear. The team isn't getting it right. The team communicates less. There is no ownership. They aren't delivering.

More evidence. More attention. More frustration. "You see what I mean!"

The cycle continues.

I'm not suggesting you ignore poor performance or pretend problems don't exist - that's not leadership. (See my blog on Having Difficult Conversations: The Cost of Avoidance.) But there is a profound difference between addressing what isn't working and making what isn't working the centre of your attention.

Instead, put your focus - and their focus - on what you do want. Not only in your own thoughts, but intentionally: when you interact with people, have conversations (tough or otherwise), give feedback, correct actions and habits, and set expectations. Point them towards where you do want them to go.

That's what's called influence.

When you focus on what you do want, your choice of words and, far more importantly, the place you're coming from and the energy you bring, will be far more positive, solution-focused and aligned with where you actually want people to go.

It's also a lot less confusing for the recipient, and less of a time-waste for you. Because how often do we cycle and tiptoe around what we're trying not to say, only for the other person to hear all about what we don't want?

Don't be so defensive. Don't keep doing that. Don't interrupt. Don't be late. Don't make mistakes. Don't behave like that.

What if, instead, you were equally clear about what you do want?

I'd like you to challenge my thinking. I'd like us to be able to have a robust conversation and surface what's really going on. I'd like you to let me finish, and then I'll do the same for you. I'd like you to take ownership of this. I'd like you to find a way of working together that makes this easier for both of you.

Same situation. Different words - and a very different direction. And sometimes that small shift changes everything.

And on the Home Front

Take asking your teenager to sort out the constant mess in their bedroom. I know it sounds a bit risky, but don't knock it till you try it. Agreed: focusing on what you do want won't change the behaviour overnight but, something like the "dripping tap", eventually they'll hear, and feel, the forward-facing influence you're bringing to the situation.

And, at the smallest nuance in behaviour in the right direction ... notice it. Appreciate it. And when they don't ... remind them, without turning every interaction into another battle about the mess.

You might be surprised.

You want your partner to be more caring; you could spend your energy focusing on the uncaring behaviour - how they don't notice, how they don't ask, how they don't help, how they never seem to think about you. You can build a very convincing case. And perhaps you'd even be right.

But notice what happens to you while you're doing that. You are giving your attention to the very thing you don't want. And that attention affects the words you use. The tone you use. The feeling behind the energy you bring. The way you interpret what they do next. And that, in turn, affects how they hear you - and how they respond. And the cycle continues.

Instead, try this: drop your focus (and the words and feeling that go with it) on the "uncaring" behaviour, and talk about what you do want. Appreciate the times it does go that way. Make simple and clear requests, without the punch behind your thinking in the moment. Remind them. Speak with love. Speak with respect. Be clear about what matters to you.

Again - you might be surprised.

And no, this isn't a magic formula for making other people behave exactly as you want them to. Other people have their own algorithms. They have their own thinking, their own history, their own patterns, their own choices. You cannot control another person's response. But you can change what you are feeding. And that changes the way you show up. Which changes the conversation. Which changes the possibilities available in the relationship. And sometimes, that changes everything.

The Magic Wand

At the end of the day, can you see how much of this comes back to you? Your thinking. And the resulting behaviour, words and actions that come from you?

That doesn't mean you're responsible for everything that happens to you. It doesn't mean you can think your way out of every difficult circumstance. And it certainly doesn't mean you should tolerate unacceptable behaviour.

It means something much more useful:

You have far more influence than you might realise over the direction you point yourself in.

And if you're not getting the response you want - experiment. Try a different approach. Try different words. Try coming from a different place. Try changing what you're paying attention to. Try focusing on the outcome you actually want, rather than repeatedly rehearsing the problem you're trying to get away from.

Because "the meaning of your communication is the response that you get" means that with every interaction, there's information coming back to you. Not necessarily proof that you're right or wrong. Information. Use it. Tune in. Adjust. Try again.

That's leadership. That's relationship. That's life.

And that, dear reader, is what I call your magic wand. You're the one who directs it. Not just in some situations. All the time.

Your mind has its own algorithm. It's been running for years. But the content isn't fixed. You still get a say in what you click on, what you linger on, what you resist, what you feed, what you invite, what you zoom in on.

What you "like" and what you give your attention to gives you the results you get.

So perhaps the next time you find yourself thinking, "Why does this keep happening?", pause and ask: "What am I giving my attention to?"

Then ask the more powerful question: "What do I want instead?"

Because your life is your algorithm.

So choose what you feed it.